Digital Self Improvement, 101

A recent article in the NY Times about digitally altered yearbook portraits set off a media dither. As it often does, the TIMES missed the essence of the story. Long before digital trickery there was darkroom trickery, which is how many pizza-faced kids displayed miraculously flawless complexions in their graduation pictures. It was called "retouching" and it goes back  a century, easy.  Old school yearbook photographers would heal blemishes on the house. Now that it's infinitely easier and costs nothing,  they're charging for it. That's the real story; and a mundane one at that.

But it's more fun to be morally outraged, isn't it? Gives the shrinks and and "educators" a bone to worry. If a zit is photoshopped from little Tyler's chin, does that chip away at his self esteem, asks The Times.

Puh-lease.  Ralph Lauren takes near-anorexic models and slices them to stick figures.

Frozen dinners fresh from the microwave resemble camel puke, while the meal on the box looks like 5 star restaurant fare.

How about those profiles and pictures on Match.com?  Every one is a young, active, cosmopolitan/achiever/tri-athlete/neurosurgeon/millionaire with a Steeplechase smile and an ass you can crack eggs on. Sure.

It's a gimmicked world. Get used to it. And no demographic is more deserving of  a little image enhancement than school kids. Time will ravage our faces and bludgeon our joie de vivre.  Who isn't entitled to some retroactive cosmetic enhancements? 

We decided to indulge in a little Photoshop sorcery ourselves. The first reader to recognize the subject of this school portrait will win our approbation and a free Photoshop job on the image of their choice. We might even reveal his/her identity in our next post.  

In the interest of transparency, truth and full disclosure, we at VMG confess we've been less than honest with our own portraits. We work with some very prestigious clients and felt compelled to fudge our images a smidge, just to give us a bit more age and  gravitas.

Below are our authentic selves.

Larry Bleidner                                     Bruce McArthur

                      
We apologize for the deception.

Please love us just the way we are.

LARRY BLEIDNER

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Let Us Be Thankful

Another Thanksgiving is upon us. Some 390 years have elapsed since Squanto, a Patuxet Indian, saved the Plymouth Rockers from their own ineptitude. Ultimately, Indians were thanked with near-annihilation by manifest destiny and smallpox. Squanto was dead within two years of his heroic largesse. Historians speculate he was poisoned by fellow tribesmen who found his altruism treasonous. Let no good deed go unpunished.

How could such Strum und Drang birth such a warm and fuzzy holiday?

Thanksgiving can be a locus of stress. If you're hosting, the anxiety begins with the guest list and ends with... well, just ask VMG's own Bruce McArthur -- the stress may never end.

While we can't invite you aboard the Volcano for a leisurely sail or a spa weekend at the Capri Palace, we can offer some free, fun and workable ways to help you manage holiday expectations, guests and tensions.

Last year, Uncle Lou bolted his butt to the Barcalounger in front of the Sony. There he remained not only for every game, but until the Home Shopping Club sold out its Tanzanite reserves.

Solution: unplug the TV and claim the satellite dish is broken.

Not all table-talk is as scintillating as James Ellroy dialog. Assume Aunt Margaret and Cousin Joe will again bare their elbows and knees to prove the heartbreak of psoriasis trumps the embarrassment of eczema.

Solution: digital diversions. With a fully charged smart phone, browse and text under the table cloth.

Remember that girl in Junior year who made your eyes roll so far back in your head, they nicknamed her "the zombie-maker?" Now's a perfect time to Google her.

Wondering what's the best pocket HD camcorder? Scan some reviews between the sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie.

Curious about your office pal's holiday? Text him a quick whazzup. If his Thanksgiving seems to be going better than yours, shoot him this image and tell him she's your dinner date.

LARRY BLEIDNER

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Opting Out

This week, Bill Nye, The Science Guy, a former TV personality, collapsed in mid-sentence while lecturing  at USC. You'd think some sturdy Trojan(s) would have leapt to render aid, but according to witnesses, they watched the poor guy buckle,  sputter and drool as they... Tweeted about it.

We find this behavior thoroughly revolting (though all too common). Much of our populace has grown to resemble nothing so much as the Eloi - the mutant race envisioned by H.G. Wells in his futurist masterpiece, The Time Machine. Passive and illiterate, the Eloi were unwitting livestock bred to fill the bellies of their masters, the Morlocks. As long as they had yummy fruit, togas and amusements, they would endure any indignity and ignore any fellow Eloi in danger. This symbiotic relationship  pretty much mirrors the dynamic between most college students and the faculty. Or taxpayers and the federal government. Or air travelers and the TSA. Just give us a Bud Lite and a game to watch in HD and we'll go along with anything.

A hero may have risen in John don't touch my junk Tyner. His refusal to submit to TSA humiliation has lit a fuse. Up until John's brave act, the people were sullen. Emboldened by him, they are mutinous. Social Media is the lifeline of the revolt. The websites and organized protests are all internet fueled. There's www.WeWontFly.com and www.OptOutDay.com and a Twitter address: #wontfly.

The TSA plans to fine Tyner $10,000 for his insolence. Does that leave any doubt as to whether TSA "security" is about safety... or kontrol?

This coming Wednesday, November 24 has been designated national Opt Out Day, when air travelers are urged to eschew irradiating nude body scans for the pat-down. TSA czar John Pistole says this is "irresponsible" and his minions are "well prepared" for anything. Are those the words of a public servant, or a bureaucrat on a power trip?

With any luck, we'll soon see some overpaid, arrogant, incompetent, and imperious government officials jobless. And an end to the criminalization of air travelers.

                           
LARRY BLEIDNER

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A PUNCH IN THE FACEBOOK

Mark your calendars. November 17 is National Unfriend day, according to Jimmy Kimmel.

He says it's gotten out of hand and it's time to trim our Facebook friend list. By the time the 17th has passed, someone will be blaming, if not suing Kimmel for anything from emotional distress to suicide.

There are even guidelines for proper unfriending etiquette. CNET suggests you evaluate your Facebook contacts in a more Machiavellian way. Sure they may be annoying nitwits posting hourly updates of their kitten videos, but do they serve some utilitarian purpose? Can they benefit your career? Maybe the incessant flow of information about their mundane lives helps us feel more like self-actualized swashbucklers. CNET also suggests instead of de-friending, you merely hide their updates from your newsfeed, putting them on visual "mute."

When you do trim the roster, it's advised you not do so with a post like "if you're reading this, you're still my friend." CNET says this will come across as rude and cocky. Au contraire, we think that's pretty funny. More so if it's being read by 1,400 of your closest friends.

As Facebook evolves, its commercial uses seem to be outpacing the personal. Starbucks now has a staff of eleven full time employees devoted to handling the company's Facebook correspondence. That wasn't news, but the National Labor Relations Board suing a Connecticut ambulance company over a Facebook post, is. Dawnmarie Souza was canned after "using vulgarities to ridicule her supervisor" on Facebook. Souza also wrote, using the company's code for a psychiatric patient: "Love how the company allows a 17 to become a supervisor." We admire Dawnmarie's pluck and profane, sarcastic prose. (We're foam-at-the-mouth 1st Amendment fans here at VMG). Note to Dawnmarie: next time, head for the ladies' room with a big Sharpie and post your thoughts about that lousy 17 there. And remember not to sign it.

Maybe the 17th is a great day to off-load all the 17s in your cyber life.

The genie's out of the bottle, folks. We're here to help you tame it and make it work for you.

LARRY BLEIDNER

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A Pat on the Back²

This is Archangel. See Archangel sail. Sail Archangel, sail...

This is bling. Archangel's Bling. Thanks Norwalk Island Sailing Fleet, thanks...

Partner's Cup, Division 1, 1st

King's Cup, Division 1, 1st

Philcox Cup, Division 1, 2nd

Mayor'sCup, Non-Spinnaker <135, 2nd

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Can You Hear Me Now?

A Nepalese  telcom outfit has installed 3G service at the base of Everest. So now Sherpa guides can suffer the same inconsiderate, multi-tasking oafs we do at restaurants, supermarkets and Starbucks.

This news item heralds cell service for the Nepalese masses. The actual first cell phone call from Everest was made several years ago by Brit climber Rod Baber, to whom VMG must award the Living Human Being With Least Imagination trophy. Upon reaching the top of the world, he texted, "One small text for man, one giant leap for mobilekind -- thanks Motorola."

We understand he had to pander to his sponsor. But did that message have to be so stultifyingly derivative? Then, when he had a chance to redeem himself with a voice call (unscripted, presumably), Rod said, "It's amazing. The Himalayas are everywhere."

We hereby re-name Rod Captain Obvious. Had he substituted Alps, Andes or Catskills for "Himalayas" he might have been Captain Funny. Or he could have said, "I'm standing on Chomolungma"  (local nomenclature), and gotten at least a chuckle.  What a stiff.

4,000 have attempted to scale Everest. Some 660 were successful. 142 wound up stiffer than Captain Obvious. Which means seekers of bragging rights have a 3.5 % chance that their Everest text will be their terminal text.   

In Social Media, (as in all media) content is still king. Let's hope the Nepal marketers have more clever copywriters than Motorola did.

LARRY BLEIDNER

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