OUTSIDE THE BOX

“We need to start thinking outside the box.”

If you are like me, when you see, hear or read that you think “What a dork.”  Turns out, that’s the problem. We hate that expression so much we forget what it means. We’ve become a society of people thinking inside the box. We are so afraid of being wrong, we’ve stopped taking chances. We don’t win for fear of losing. And it is happening everywhere - in politics, sports and most certainly in business.

Take marketing, for example. We know print is on life support. It’s expensive and the results are all but impossible to track. Yet many businesses continue to allocate a significant portion of their marketing budget there. Why? Probably because it’s what they’ve always done. Add a long term relationship with the rep and it becomes hard to say no.  That’s thinking inside the box.

"Your proposal is innovative. Unfortunately, we
Won't be able to use it because we've never
tried something like that before."

Then there are conferences and shows.  Most amount to a very expensive weekend cluttered with competing options, one on top of the other. Can sales happen? Of course. But considering the amount of money and time that go into a single show, it becomes like a Super Bowl ad. Big bucks, a small pop in sales (maybe) but NO lasting effect. Yet businesses continue to spend huge amounts of their marketing budgets going to shows for fear of what will happen if they don’t go. Again, thinking inside the box.

Now we have social media. A whole new way to market that can have a significant, on-going impact on sales. You can target by age, gender, income, interests, region, whatever. It’s inexpensive but can drive awareness through incredible reach. AND it does something no other media does. It builds trust and loyalty at a degree never before seen.

So what’s the problem? It’s new. It takes time and creativity to connect on an emotional level. Most businesses have not come to that understanding yet. So they think inside the box and give control of their social media to the least experienced staffers (http://www.vmgmediablog.com/2013/02/social-media-rodney-dangerfield-of.html). When nothing happens, they write it off.

There are plenty of companies, early adapters, which have used social media to drive significant sales increases. The concept is proven. So why is there still so much hesitation to move budgets out of less effective, traditional resources?

It’s time to start thinking outside the box.

BRUCE McARTHUR

Social Media, the Rodney Dangerfield of Marketing

“My psychiatrist told me social media was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, it’s ugly too.”

1 or 2% engagement is considered the target goal for most social media efforts. Why is that? After all, at that rate of engagement, you might as well be talking to yourself. The answer is because that’s what the vast majority of businesses get, and so we live with it. But it is not good.

And I’m not talking just the little guys. I’m talking brands like The Ford Motor Company, Ralph Lauren, The NY Yankees... even Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber.

Nearly every Facebook page we look at reminds us of another classic Dangerfield line:

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

Only in social media can you walk into a meeting at a Fortune 500 company, with a room full of people including senior level decision makers, CMO/EVP types, and have a twenty something, fresh out of college, raise their hand in response to the question “Who manages your social media?” Really? What other marketing platforms are managed by the least experienced among you?



This is the reality of social media today. Because we let anyone do it, social media becomes crazy and ugly. But this isn’t acting. It takes hard work and a skill set that is hard to find.

So few marketers have the time, the inclination, the creativity AND (not “or”) the marketing expertise to really drive engagement. We end out with 1-2% and call it a success. We should be aiming for 20%. 10% should be a fire-able offense.

Professionally managed, a strong social media presence can do more to increase revenue and influence than any other single medium. Given that, why are our expectations so low? We have to start setting the bar higher… much higher. When we do, the results will be astounding.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, so… 

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

Bruce McArthur

PRESENTING THE WASTIES

Ever wonder why so many business owners do their own crappy TV commercials? You see them all the time - guys with beer bellies, bad hair and worse diction hawking their restaurant, car dealership, RVs, personal water craft  or gold-buying service.  It's because they hired some ad agency that did an even crappier job. That's how do-it-yourselfers self-invent.

There's no self-policing in advertising. There should be -- so VMG is hereby deputizing ourselves. Just to put a positive spin on a negative thing, we're creating a brand new award for corporations who've been shamelessly screwed over by enterprises masquerading as advertising agencies. To keep it alliterative - move over Emmy, Grammy and Tony, here come the WASTIES. And the Super Bowl of advertising waste is... the SUPER BOWL!

Hollywood producer Mike Todd once opined "everybody's got 2 businesses -- their own and show business." Actually, Americans have a 3rd business - advertising. Seems many tune in the Super Bowl just for the custom made, 4 million bucks per 30 seconds so-clever-you're-gonna- spontaneously-combust commercials. Once in a while, they are great.

Here's 3 that absolutely sucked.

1) VOLKSWAGEN     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H0xPWAtaa8
Goofy cubicle-dwelling white office worker speaks with Jamaican/Caribbean patois. What purchase in life is more keyed into self image, ego and pride than an automobile? So if you buy that VW, you too can be a foolish, un-cool parody of some polyester-clad twit doing a bad Bobby McFerrin? Hey VW - fire your agency. And that "creative director" should seek a career more suited to his or her talents - like accounting. No wait, Hollywood accountants are in the Picasso league, creatively speaking. Just go bag groceries.

2) GODADDY    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-1oixpSShs
Super model Bar Rafaeli plays tongue-hockey with doughy, Orphan Annie - haired, ruddy-cheeked male as spokes-chick Danica Patrick (the most famous driver in the world never to have won a major  race, who also ran over a member of her own pit-crew) reads some mindless copy off a teleprompter.

Made us wanna GOPUKE. GODADDY's CMO defended Deutsch's work, claiming even though the ad was near universally loathed, it was memorable. By that logic, why not just air the Nick Berg beheading - brought to you by GODADDY! 

According to Forbes, she also claimed it was effective, as the following Monday was their biggest sales day ever. Really? According to this story at Business insider, GoDaddy's $7mil mistake, her sales hyperbole doesn't stand up to scrutiny. That "memorable" spot may have lost GODADDY $7 million bucks. 

3) MERCEDES BENZ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPq7jVGPs3g
Another piece of lame, derivative crap that belonged in some Moose Lodge smoker circa 1956. Super model teases frat boys as they wash car. Anybody seen Cool Hand Luke? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veCZvM6-okQ

We love super models. But this is just so tired and unimaginative. And, uh, since when are college jocks the Mercedes demographic?

Next year we'll try to have a black tie, televised awards ceremony so winners can pick up their WASTIES in person. Imagine the acceptance speeches.

LARRY BLEIDNER

An Open Letter to Fortune 500 CMOs

Does anybody still believe? Not in Lance, but in  paying any jock to hawk your product? How many times do you need to be burned by celebrity athlete endorsements? Now, Lance Armstrong is the biggest disgrace in athletics - ever - officially a liar, a weasel, a bully and a thief. (He's kind of goofy-looking, too.) And how many Fortune 500 logos are splashed across his yellow spandex-clad torso? The jokes are endless. LIVE DOPED. LIE STRONG. And your company is smeared by association.

Hiring a pro athlete to be the face and voice of your product is hiring a ticking bomb. It's not a matter of if they'll go off, but when. Do the math... jock superstar in (pick your sport) becomes centimillionaire and implodes with steroids, coke, hookers, fighting dogs, serial cheating on wife, blood doping, DUIs, assault, murder. How could it not happen? And when it does, his face IS your brand.

Maybe I'm abnormal, but once I passed the age of 12, I never wanted anything because some rich and famous celebrity endorsed it. In fact, that was the kiss of death for that product. When I saw some Olympian's mug on a Wheaties box, I switched to Cheerios. NBA center hawking Adidas? Keds, please. Ashton Kutcher with a Nikon? Give me the Canon. To buy a brand on its own merits, features and benefits makes perfect sense. To buy it because somebody famous is paid to wear it/use it makes one... stupid.

 

No rational adult should care about celebrity endorsements. But we all rely on referrals from our friends and acquaintances. Which is why smart marketers (at least those marketing  products to anyone over the age of 12) should be pouring budgets into social media and not into the Lance Armstrongs, Tiger Woods, Michael Vicks, O.J.s, Mike Tysons, Ben Johnsons, Pete Roses, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, Ray Lewis... hey, I'm getting tired of typing here. You get the idea. 

LARRY BLEIDNER

Let's take a ride on my MAZOKIST!

I recently found myself thumbing through the famed Robb Report (Your Global Luxury Resource) , a magazine for a whole other level of consumers. What trinkets are the ultra-rich buying these days? Tick-tocks that are harder to read than a cuneiform train schedule are en vogue.  They're called tourbillons and can cost well into six figures.

What time is it on that thing? How about in ten minutes from now? How about after a couple of margaritas? When you can afford to drop $200k on a watch, is time even a concern?

There was an interesting story on a home renovation "somewhere in Los Angeles." The article stated that when the owner bought the residence, it was a "run of the mill 10,000 square foot tract home." Wow. Everything is relative.

The Hedonist

What else are the super-rich buying? Yachts, of course, and one featured in the magazine caught my eye.




It looked like something Ernst Stavro Bloefeld might own, designed by Dieter the Sprocket.

The Serbian manufacturer has the unlikely name of Art of Kinetik. They have two models. The 62-footer is called the Hedonist and is powered by a troika of 800 hp jet engines. That offers a vroom factor of 48 mph. The all-mahogany vessel requires 12,000 hours of sanding to prep it for 18 coats of varnish. (Why 18? Would 17 be insufficient and 19 overkill? Who dreams up these numbers?)

The MAZOKIST

Who dreamed up the name of their entry-level 32 footer, the MAZOKIST?  Yes, you read that correctly. The MAZOKIST. And here she is...

Powered by a Mercruiser stern drive, the MAZOKIST tops out at 33 mph with a range of 330 miles.

I speak no Serbian. But since Mazokist's big sister is the plain English "Hedonist," I must assume the smaller sibling is phonetically named for those who enjoy a good flogging. Or, was it payback by some copywriter who felt under paid for the job of naming the craft? Will some sick-rich Robb Report subscriber find himself saddled with a sea-going mahogany elephant? As he waits for the shore patrol to tow him back to Dubrovnik, will he shake his head and say, I must be a mazokist to have bought this thing. Will the Mazokist take its place among other ill-named/fated conveyances, like Edsel, Yugo and Vega?

Art of Kinetik's website (http://www.artofkinetik.com/) is nearly as much an enigma as the name of their craft. Some of the "downloadable" (glacially) jpgs weigh in at a massive 25 mb. Perfect for printing - on a billboard.

And then there are the quotations - about as germane to things nautical as a dray horse and plow. A rambling one is from sculptor Henry Moore, whose work looks like this:

The photography is slick, but a little too... vague.

Maybe we're nuts, and the Art of Kinetik guys have identified a subculture of wealthy, kinky yachtsmen who will keep the mazokist shipyard crackling like the tip of a bullwhip. But until we hear otherwise, we're mooring the Mazokist at the what were they thinking dock.

Hey I'm running late here. What time is it? Oh nice tourbillon. I'll just ask that lady with the big Timex. Thanks.

LARRY BLEIDNER

Every Day's a Holiday and Every Meal's a Feast.

The following email was sent to me by a friend. We've all gotten these. It comes in, you roll your eyes and you delete it.  However, being a sailor, it caught my eye so I decided to read it. I have no idea if this story is true or not. I do know I won't fact check it on snopes.com because I got a kick out of reading it and want it to be true:

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).



According to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." 



Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."



Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.



Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November.

She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.



On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.



By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.



The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY

Monkey Sea, Monkey Buy

In the spirit of consumer protection, and as a paean to the power of great marketing, VMG offers this review of the famed Sea Monkeys (world's only instant pets!), a toy that has been wowing kids -- like a fistful of Nembutal -- for 50 years.

Somehow, the Sea Monkeys entered our home as gift for my 7 year-old. The box alone is a marvel of packaging brilliance. There's a cornucopia of fun-filled stuff right there in its own window. Who could resist a "magic portal," a "sea monkey pencil topper" and  instant "live eggs" (as opposed to the slower-acting dead variety.) Why, they even include an "aqua leash," probably so you can walk these crazy guys to show and tell at school!

When you open the package and view the "illustrated instructions!" it gets even better. Look, those aren't like some stupid goldfish, these babies sing and dance and put on a show! Oh boy!

Of course, there's just a smidge of hyperbole mixed in with the growth food. And there's some fine print, too, as on the vintage comic book ad which stated very clearly, using the ichthyologist's Latin -- which every 7 year old understands -- "Caricatures shown not intended to depict Artemia Salina." Hmm. They look like underwater Jetsons. That mommy sea monkey is weirdly sexy with her Nicki Minaj hips and generous lips. And look, the daddy sea monkey's tail covers his privates. Who are the Artemia Salinas?

They are brine shrimp. Which, with proper care and feeding, may grow to a size of .6 inch. And actually look like this:

It's been 10 days since my kids tore open the Sea-Monkey package and followed the illustrated instructions! to the letter, I'm sure. Using the magic portal magnifying lens, we think we saw some microscopic life- form moving in the palm-sized aquarium, but it could just be some crud from the Los Angeles water system. Oh, and that AAA battery-powered light that projects the fabulous singing, dancing and acrobatic Family Artemia Salinas on the wall... doesn't work.

There's a fascinating back story about the person who invented sea monkeys. Allegations of being mixed up with neo-Nazis and such. Whatever his true history, which seems to be as murky as the sludge in the aquarium, the guy was an absolute marketing genius. He created a product, targeted an audience and got very wealthy.

Since 1962, the only thing that's really changed is the price - what was once a buck is now $19.95. And, as their website indicates, it's selling globally. They even have line extensions, with all kinds of products to enhance your Sea Monkey experience. The Banana Treat caught our eye because of its blatant prurient appeal.

This one is even sexier... Cupid's Arrow Sea Monkey Mating Powder. Looks like Mama Monkey with the Nicki Minaj booty needs some help getting dad to notice her. Sprinkle a little mating powder in the tank and... hey gang, wanna watch my Sea Monkeys F*** ?

It's all well below kid radar, but obvious enough to give mom and dad a reason to buy.

In a world of i-pods and pads and Wii and endless other digital toys that have billion dollar R&D budgets, these guys scoop some free gunk from the ocean and retail it for $20 bucks a box.

Steve Jobs, "marketing genius," had absolutely nothing on the Sea Monkey guy. Nothing.

LARRY BLEIDNER